Friends

I kicked Luke out last night. Long story. I called my mum then sat by the phone crying. Within ten minutes my thoughts turned to how he'd have to come back for some important belongings. I wanted to call him and demand that he come back.

This is so hard. I've spent almost six years loving someone who will never bring out the best of me. He has never made me feel like a good person (not that I am, so I guess that's a moot point). He will never be capable of giving me what has always been most important to me. I cannot picture us achieving life goals together; owning a house, having a loving family, marriage. Yet the security that his mere presence gives me is the one thing keeping me from a deep depression, because without him I am lonely and alone.

It's too easy to refuse the loneliness. It's too easy to accept the line, "I'm sorry, I love you, I'll change" for the millionth time, knowing that it means nothing but also knowing that I'll have someone to talk to and hold, knowing that I'll have some company for a while. I cannot see any positives no matter which way I turn. The prospect of every option I can think of makes me want to disappear.

He'll come to pick up more of his things later. He'll see me crying and comfort me and he'll stay, and I foresee that I will let him, because something is better than nothing...I guess...

In May, I am participating in Walk for Wishes (May 10 at the Zoo) and The Race for the Cure (May 30 down by Comerica Park.)  Feel free to go to the websites below and make a donation.  (Or register and walk with me!)  Every little bit helps!

 

Walk for Wishes is through the Make a Wish Foundation, trying to help make children's dreams come true.  http://netcommunity.wishmich.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=239&srcid=253&frsid=2021

 

Race for the Cure is to help with the costs and finding a cure for breast cancer.  http://www.active.com/donate/detroitRFTC08/romaniks

 

Thank you for your support!  Send this on to anyone else who may be willing to help!

I am scared shitless, I'm going to Melbourne to see my ~*BFF*~ BY MYSELF on Friday. I haven't even been in the airport here since 2005.
Just the thought of it is making me sweat.
It's only an hour long flight.
But it's a budget airline and what happens if they don't have enough funds to do regular maintenance checks and the thing like, explodes, oh jesus christ I'll have a fucking heart attack thinking about this kind of shit on the plane. What happens if the universe goes all "The Secret" on me, and visualizing it and thinking about it makes it happen!? I mean, I bet they have to cut a lot of corners, being so cheap.
I won't even have anyone to talk to me and make it go quickly, or console me, I'll just be all alone with my anxiety. I am SO scared, I actually do very little by myself. :(

I have two decades of life experience and I am not a baby.
I have two decades of life experience and I am not a baby.
I have two decades of life experience and I am not a baby.
I have two decades of life experience and I am not a baby.

mantra not workin' :'(

God. Dammit.
I am so fed up.

Apparently if you start a job with a submissive, obliging and somewhat doormat-ish attitude...you're stuck with that for the entire duration of your employment. I never speak up for myself or express how I personally feel about a particular matter, and it's a VERY rare occurrence that I actually say no to any request. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few people willing to move heaven and earth in order to get somewhere on 10 minutes notice. Yet when I do say no (in this case because I felt that I was being set up for a complete and utter failure for the sake of a joke) I'm made to feel like I'm being a difficult little shit who won't do what she's told and therefore isn't doing her job properly.

And it's not even just that, it's about 50 billion other things.

Uni, work, Luke and money are all driving me up the wall at the moment. All Luke does is sit around drinking beer/smoking pot and calling me a fat ugly bitch all the time (doesn't bother me, coming from his toothpick anorexic ass I wouldn't take his idea of "fat" too seriously, though I am kinda chunky) whilst I pay all the bills, the debts that he's gotten me into by using my cards, and lend him money for weed/petrol on a frequent basis. It's all well and good to suggest that I stop giving him money and stop paying things for him but I just don't have the patience to deal with the shitfits he throws if he doesn't get what he wants. He insults the work I do as well, going on about how I've turned into "even more of a nutter" since I've been there because I'm "picking up their habits". I don't think we exchange many positive words anymore. We fight constantly and brutally, we're both as callous and violent as each other. He gets debt collection notices in the mail and screws them up and laughs and has absolutely no grasp of the real world or the importance of financial responsibility. He has no personal responsibility. I cannot think of a single thing, aside from getting up and going to work, that he is responsible for. It's so draining that work (as frustrating as it is, being the spacey young doormat that no one ever takes particularly seriously) has become a place of relaxation for me. But anyway. There are so many ways out, I'm just not strong-willed enough for any of them, nor do I know that I truly want out. I just want change.

The thought of exams, study and re-enrolling for next semester makes me feel sick to my stomach; I know it's too much - both mentally and financially. Just getting there is so hard; I spend hours at work, hours at Uni, hours on public transport (or waiting for it) and then I have to find hours at home to actually study and write. Where's the time for groceries, paying bills, seeing doctors (which I have to do regularly recently), socializing, personal-bloody-care? Suddenly the promise that I made to myself about gaining my first degree by the time I'm 21 doesn't seem so plausible anymore, not for lack of intellectual capabilities but for lack of time, money and motivation. It's so easy to just accept a ride home from work rather than go even further away from home at dusk and spend time sitting in a classroom before waiting in the cold to catch a bus home. It's so easy to become ineligible to sit exams and fail a course because you did accept that ride home. And yet it all becomes a gigantic HECS debt either way.

And there are a couple of other things that I just can't get off my mind.

Wow, sorry for that big old rant. Had to get it off my chest and since I can't express myself well in speech, textual blogging is the best option. :)

I love my cat so much. He's so vocal and funny. He makes noises like duck quacks when he makes fast movements and really loud piggy snorts when he attacks. <3

I'm using my Flickr account a lot more often nowadays, if anyone's interested. Not that there's anything particularly interesting on it, it's mostly pictures of my cat.

On Monday, it had been decided (mostly by me) that my car is not in any condition to be driving in. I say mostly i decided that, because when i was driving home from work, my brakes (which i was fully aware were breaking) made an obnoxiously loud noise when i started to break, and towards the end, actually vibrated my car. Neither of which are anywhere close to good for any car. So, im car-less. i have no car anymore. It's made the past few days very unbearable... you know, not being able to transport myself anywhere.

We did find an amazing car at a ridiculously good price. It's a black '97 Toyota Camry that is in excellent condition and has a... get this... six cd changer (granted it's located in the trunk, but nonetheless you can control which cd you play in the front), and we managed to get it from the asking price of $4999, to $4150. A-fricken-mazing. Most Camry's in that condition, are worth $5500. It's unreal. We got it on hold until Tuesday or Wednesday.

The problem is, we want to take out a loan with Target's credit union. This way, the car is in their name until i get the loan from them paid off, and they can take it out of my biweekly paycheck, and i only feel that slight sting of a smaller paycheck, and dont have to worry about writing a check each month, like i would have to do if i took out a loan from my bank, our second option. However, it's practically Saturday as of right now (it's 9pm on Friday, business terms, it's Saturday.) The credit union, which i overnight-ed both my membership application and $205 dollars ($5 for the membership fee and $200 for my savings account so i dont get a monthy fee of $3), is closed both Sat and Sun. So, i cannot even ask for a loan until... Monday! Which is dangerously close to when our hold on that car is up.

We've decided if i can get out of work early enough, we'll go to the bank before i closes on Saturday (which is sometime around noon) and try to get a loan through them, and if that works out, then that's what we'll have to do. I just wish the damn credit union was open on weekends.

Oh! And, my stepfather is satan... making everything soooooooo much better.

ugg. drama, drama, drama.

I got a haircut on thursday. i dont like it so much. everyone else looooves it. i think it's too short. i cut it a little longer than chin length, and it's very layered. I have thick hair so it kind of makes my hair balloon up. Anyway, i can get used to it, but it'll take a while.

I hate people with little snarky attitudes. There is this woman at work who is the LOD overnights (Leader On Duty) and she prickles like a cactus if you do anything abnormal. Like, yesterday, i didn't know i worked at all, because Fridays are usually my day off, so she called me an hour after i was supposed to be there and she says "It's 5:10." and i go "Yeah..." and she goes "Are you coming in?" and i go "I didn't know i was working... i shouldn't be, i dont work fridays." and she goes "Well your on the schedule, so you need to come in." and i flared up because i dont like people who get pissy with me just because they have a short fuse. Tonight i was about ready to serve it to her because at one point, i had to get some pecan nuts because i had none, and needed many, and so i went to the baker aisle where she was stocking stuff, and i was wearing my earplugs for my ipod, and i could tell she was talking to me, so i took them out, and she said "Did you hear the intercom?" and i said "...no..." (they NEVER have anything to do with me between 4am - 6am) and she says "Well, they called you over the intercom about your pallets twice. Maybe you should turn down the volume on your headset" and then turned and walked away. And the pallet she's refering to is the Bakery's truck order which is in the grocery freezer awaiting me to haul all those boxes up to the Bakery freezer and put away. And i'm just flaring up because, no one outside of the bakery seems to get that i have to BAKE EVERYTHING before 8am, which is a hard enough when you just lost an hour, but HONESTLY. For fuck's sake, what do these people want from me? They expect me to perform miracles! Put away the truck when you're called at 5am, Bake everything by 8am and dont burn anything and dont under proof or over proof them, and OH! guess what, you need to do it in less time! OMG Kill me. The truck alone takes me 1 1/2 hours at least if i have a small order, but if i have a large order, like i did today, it took me about 3 hours.

I just dont feel very appreciated for what i do on a daily basis by anyone outside of the Bakery and Starbucks. They all just think i lollygag all 6-8 hours im there or something. AND NOW!! My boss told me that the overnight team, lead by my prissy friend, want me to show up an hour early JUST SO I CAN MAKE THEM 6 DOZEN DONUTS BY 6AM. When do i ever get donuts just because i came to work and did my job? I get some treats in the breakroom here and there, but NOT once a week!! They do this stuff to us all the time. Make an assortment of 20 muffins for the LOD meeting. Make 3 dozen bagels for the Assistant Store Manager for God knows whatever reason. When do we ever get any of this stuff we have to make them all the time? I dont know. I get a cake once a month because every 15th they celebrate all birthdays that month, but im not guaranteed to work every 15th of the month. I just... feel under appreciated... like they expect me to pull off miracles left and right.

Dear The Target Store I Work For,

I HAVE A JOB TOO. IM NOT AT YOUR BECK AND CALL. I HAVE A TON OF SHIT I'VE GOT TO DO EVERYDAY AND WHEN YOU EXPECT ME TO DO YOUR "SMALL" THING, THAT TOTALLY SCREWS EVERYTHING UP. SO, THANKS FOR MAKING MY NOT-SO-HARD JOB RIDICULOUSLY, EVEN LAUGHABLY, DIFFICULT.

Love,
Alisa Valley