laurafish919 - August 3rd, 2005

so while i wait for a rejection...i have no interest in being productive in any aspect of my life. I like shitty boxed wine a lot this week---
i'm feeling so removed...memories are consuming me. and the memories of others! all of nick's storytelling about Dearborn and the such...i liked when Joe Nabozny called me an East Dearborn groupie...i'm sort of glad Joe and Nick arnet roommates anymore, now maybe Joe and i can be friends again without us both acting semi-parental over little baby nick.

Kristen came over today and drank some of that wine with me and then it was one of my favorite Kristen scenes ever...she was going through some of my books and came back with A Hundred Years of Solitude, This is Graceanne's book, On the Road, and Are you There God it's me Margarat. So finally, it was between Judy Blume and Jack Kerouack, She read a bit of each, throws down On the Road as she says "Fuck this" and selects Are You There God...Joe would be HORRIFIED. He'd probably smash a lamp.

we smoked one of those aguilea thingies last night. i liked it. i enjoy catalysts for conversation. Drinking, smoking, coffee--drugs in general are great for that--the sun...food...

Fatso today made me want to kill myself. It's funny how petty i can become when dealing with her--

i'm going to be a WRL. and the godmother of Nuv's brothers' baby
Dallas loves my parents house...there is so much for him to fuck up. he looks so tough with his messed-up eye. i havent fed him once. i don't like fat cats. he's not fat yet, but i can see that it's coming--

I saw a girl in this car today--and i really liked her. She was pretty, she had long straight hair--i really want straight hair. curly hair like mine can never be pretty or cool--i hit my high when i was 9 and was a dead-ringer for fucking little orphan annie...
but anyways, so this girl had this blue car--an accord or something, and was smoking a cigarette--
now i usually don't like girl smokers--but she pulled it off so well, because she had that "i don't give a shit" attitude--she didnt look trashy or needy or badassy--just indifferent, but sort of pissed off...and she had stupid shit hanging from her rearfiew mirror --well i'm doing a terrible job of explaining her. basically, i just thought she looked interesting. i like friends. i think i went so long with hanging out with just smelly boys that now i'm on this girl outlook all the time.

okay i guess i'm the mood for company, that's why i'm rambling so much.
maybe i'll go watch On Demand now and let my brain rot some more. Either that or read my fat girl author. I love when Nick picks up the current book on my bed and asks "is this one of your fat girl books."

its funny how much one's standards for happiness can change. today when i was hoping MillerCanfield would call, i was thinking "nick better not friggin call me and get my hopes up when that phone rings"--last year at this time, i was DYING for nick to call me. HE was the one i was hoping would be on the caller i.d. and AL and Tina's wedding is coming up--i was so excited for this wedding in friggin 2003--or sometime long ago--now its more of a hassle--and even just a month ago, i wanted desperately to move out and i was so eager to pack and organize, ---now where does it matter where i live? either way i hate my job!

i think my dad is killing himself--i havent seen him awake in days.