laurafish919 - May 31st, 2005

I just spent over 100 dollars on BEADS. but it had been an anticipated, planned purchase--and i do not yet regret it. I don't know how i'll have time for this though--i already don't have time to keep up with the other things I am currently obsessed with. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I think I NEED to be happy--I have to actually give myself this speech everytime I feel that way--tellng myself that it is my choice to be happy and anxious-free NOW. i do not need to wait until i have checked off a list of requirements to feel okay--because, realistically, that will never happen!

i'm at nicks, he just left to meet Joe to watch the Pistons. I'm very thrilled to be here alone. I have a working laptop, solitude except for a feisty kitty, a t.v., a comfortable bed, a magazine, and my beautiful planner--too many things to entertain me! except i always have this fear that nick will hook up with some girl or drive drunk and die--and then ill live in regret. I'm getting better at thinking that if he DOES cheat on me (or whatever you would call it in our situation) then i'm almost lucky because the Nick-decision will be made for me and new doors will open!--but, if he were to die--that would properly fuck me up for awhile. okay I'm going to restrain myself from reiterating a thought process I too often have to trudge through to calm the Nick resentment/hope attack of which I have not yet developed a trustworthy immunity.

i'm excited to listen to the new White Stripes album--seriously, there is too much i want to do tonight! I can't spend the hours on the internet so I better end this entry and get started. --again, i'm so sick of feeling this need to utilize every moment.
I ate a chocolate extreme blizzard today. I want to join weight watchers or something--its not even about losing weight anymore, i just don't FEEL good when i eat so erratically. I was thinking though, ice cream is something i'm always prone to overeat--in any state of mind.--and cereal. My mom said she is that way with bread and my dad said salami. Nick can overeat soup and taco bell.I like knowing that stuff about people. --or i love knowing the times when people are the happiest on a regular basis.(so vacations,winning the lottery, and orgasms achieved through non-solo events do not count) Like when i was going through the 'Nick-break-up, becoming-a-less-feeling-person' phase, I remember the best times were when I was too tired to really have the energy to be upset and I was comfortable in loose clothes, watching some episode of something light-hearted. At those moments, nothing is expected of you--from anyone, including yourself. Now I guess I like when I'm having good daydreams while running, or waking up feeling healthy and energized--or doing something methodical in my room while an episode of Friends or Sex and the City is playing. Nick and i were talking today about those things that so skillfully separate you from your problems--and life in general. Videogames, alcohol, t.v., reading, hobbies in general--sports, books,working out--they are all "vices" in a sense-even the ones that benefit you. Like if you're watching a playoff basketball game, you can completely live in that moment-forgiving yourself for not worrying about what you COULD or SHOULD be doing to better your life or someone elses--because the Pistons are playing! The moments you allow yourself to be guiltfree are so valuable. Sort of a conscious sleep.-a sweet sleep sometimes. I like the phrase "sweet sleep." I think there is a nice verse in the always-articulate Bible that spoke of "sweet sleep." Once again, Shelley Zuziak has entered my head.
but anyways, it is dangerous to allow those activities to consume you too much of course. At least I have found, the more i allow obsessions to direct and determine the way i spend my hours, the less time i spend aware, awake. Those states of awareness- when you are feeling things to a more acute degree- are the most self-forming times I think. The memories survived from THOSE times last the longest--and they are the most vibrant. Like Kristen right now--that is why I'm jealous of her even though it is so difficult. because the silly reasons that we will die for--they don't matter. What matters is the processes they produce in ourselves. Our sense-of-self! Numbness is truly the worst thing we can experience. This whole past year for me has been a year of muted-songs, tedious-movies, unmemorable tears, quickly-achieved sleep, irritation, contentedness, lazy enjoyments, tiresome cigarettes--gutless laughter, poor posture...but i don't know what to do because i couldn't survive a lifetime of anxious alertness. so who knows--maybe you can achieve a balance of security yet still remain or achieve a little wide-eyed interest, naiveté, contemplative head-tilts--with a proper amount of solitude and enough change of routine?
it just seems the more secure i feel and the less anxious i feel--the more i'm realizing i dont really LISTEN to other people. I don't like this about myself. Nothing is as good or as bad! my sine graph of life has shrunk--i can't remember the proper trig terminology to describe what I mean. -the distance between the highs and lows is so drastically decreased.

I guess I'll go check the score of the Pistons finally and organize my beads.

Nick's porno collection -which i keep bumping into trying to find the new White Stripes album -is disturbing in a good way. It has reminded me that i probably don't really know him at all--so perhaps I can suck some more intrigue out of our tired relationship without cheating, babies, or murder~